I’ve been told many times since Joe’s death that “Time heals all wounds”. I have found that Time may heal (which I am still waiting to experience), but Time also serves as a painful reminder of what has been lost. Today, April 9th is the 5th Anniversary of Joe’s death, and what would have been our 36th Wedding Anniversary. For 36 years this date was a Time of Joy and Celebration to Love and Be Loved by my Best Friend! Now this date is a Time of unspeakable grief.
Since coming to Florida the day after Christmas alone, I’ve been asked by several friends if I felt like I was healing. My answer then, and now is . . . “I honestly don’t know.” I thought I had been broken before, but have to admit, NOTHING I’ve ever experienced could have prepared me for what feels like I literally have had an amputation. “and the two will become one flesh” Mark 8:10. Most days I don’t recognize myself! I am lonely most of the Time, even if surrounded by people. I stay exhausted from trying to keep my emotions in check, with a constant knot in my throat, and tears always betraying me at the most awkward Times. I walk around numb, and for a Type “A” personality not to have any passion to (Do, Pursue, Start or Finish) anything seems strange, but honestly EVERYTHING seems strange including me! I am not who I used to be, and Never will be! But. . . maybe That’s the Point! I can’t ask God to do something “New” in my life, while I stay the same!
One of my last days in Florida I was walking the beach just taking in the beauty of the soft sand beneath my feet, the sound of the crashing waves, and the warmth of the sun on my skin when I came upon one of the most beautiful sites I’d ever seen. There was an area of the beach that literally glowed from the sun reflecting on what must have been thousands upon thousands of different shapes, sizes, and colors of seashells. There were so many shells that you could hardly see any sand. Though most of the shells were broken, each piece lay perfectly with the next to create the most glorious, tapestry of beauty on the beach! Unlike the rest of the beach, that one area had nothing to buffer the force of the crashing waves. With each tormenting crash of the waves, it delivered an array of gorgeous shells from the bottom of the ocean that the softer, gentler waves were unable to bring forth. When I tried to walk that area of the beach to take a closer look, it was painful to my feet, because of all the broken shells. In that moment, I felt God’s Spirit whisper to mine, “Julie, My Glory is not found in a life of gentleness and ease. My Glory is best displayed in your brokenness. You see child, the path that is too painful for you to walk alone, is the path to unspeakable beauty of MY Glory reflecting IN you!”
God Promised in 2 Corinthians 3:18 “And we all, with unveiled faces reflecting the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another, which is from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
Father forgive me when I look envious at others who seem to have it easier than I, and when I doubt Your plan for me, because of the painful path I’m traveling. Help me to remember there is a purpose for any pain that You allow in my life. Renew IN me a sense of joy knowing that You make all things beautiful in Your time! Help me to trust that in Your Perfect Time, though I may not feel it or see it, You are creating IN me a masterpiece of Your Glory!
Dear Julie. I know the feeling of wondering if healing will ever come. I live in the area of who am I now. Loving and long commitments leave a hole that appears nothing can fill when our loved one is gone. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Georgetta
Julie, Blessings and peace to you always. I have found that time does not heal all wounds but time, for me, dulls pain a little. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Your heart is so bare, and your love so true. Joe walked with you for more than 36 years and he walks with you still, through Him.
You are glorious, shining like the stretch of those sands.
Prayers and much love to you, always.
Julie. I can honestly say from my own experience that while time may heal the wound that for me is both true and untrue. While it’s been 5 plus years since my Ron passed…I still have some days that are filled with complete grief and others days where I don’t even have a thought of grief. Other days I see Ron in my girls or have a special memory and those days make me smile…it’s all how we choose to live out our days without our boys. While I would prefer to still have my Ron, I can happily say that I have started a new relationship with a gentleman…never thought I would get there…but I feel renewed by his presence and his extreme kindness towards my memories of my husband!
Give yourself all the time in the world many a life milestone is yet to creep up on you, some will be great memories and some will be the worst pain.
You have your faith, your family and your friends and none of us want you to rush through the process…it simply is just one day at a time!
I love you and I love you blog.
May each day make you stronger than the last.
Linda Stuart
Julie, Thank you for the update. I would love to get together with you when you are in Florida some time! I know I have no idea the pain that you are experiencing but my prayers are with you. May the Lord be with you each and every day!
Very beautifully said. And I don’t believe time heals all wounds, but it does decrease the intensity of them. Yet, there will still be days they can feel as fresh and raw as the day they happened. Give yourself time …to be angry, sad, happy and everything in between, because there is no appropriate timeline or set of rules that apply. You just do you. You are one of the strongest women I have met and I have no doubt God’s love will continue to shine through you, as it already has and is! May you continue to feel God lift you up through these tough moments for you.
Time will lessen the pain but never fill the empty space. I lost my 24 year sister to a terrible cancer 9 years ago. She was the baby of our family and we were 20 years apart. This year was the first time I could open her journals and read them. My husband had a cancer incident this year and had his kidney removed. It brought all the pain and fear back like a flood!! The pain of loss is so huge! That is why God has created a new heaven and a new earth where we will not experience death ever again! No crying no pain no
Sorrow ever again! Reminds me of those beautiful shells you spoke of Without knowing the pain of loss we would never understand the unbelievable beauty of forever Julie you are a blessing to countless people – take as much time as you need to grieve – it’s ok to rest and to recover. You will never forget this pain but you will be able to rise from it and comfort many others
Joe will never be forgotten. He is forever alive. Thank you Lord for gift of love and life ❤️
God ALWAYS shows up in the most unimaginable, remarkable, unfathonable, awe inspiring, uplifting, spirit renewing ways. It reminds us that we do not walk this road of sorrow alone and that he has a plan for us. A plan to prosper us and not to harm us. A plan to give us hope and a future. These are all times we cannot see for ourselves. You will come to a place where you will adapt to your amputation but you will always walk with a limp.
Love you.
Thank you! I needed that!!! Tearfully inspired.
God Bless and keep you Julie, as you cope with a world without your husband.
I have not lost mine, but in my grief of a previous loss found a wonderful book, When Bad Things Happen To Good People, and helped me understand and deal with my anger and sense of confusion if God’s role. May your days become less painful and your joys increase
Beautiful words! Thank you for sharing.
Julie this is one of the most beautiful tributes to Joe and your love… God does heal and makes it possible for you to go on with your life.. You will see Joe again in the future. I pray that God bless will wrap you in His loving arms till you heart heals.
I can SO relate to your message, my friend. Continued prayers xoxoxo
I don’t feel it’s healing so much as it is a new normal and getting used to it. At least in my case. I do love that God can make the broken beautiful. Without trying to say your journey is anything like mine, I want to say please be patient with your healing process and please give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling, even if it is nothing/empty. Love you. Happy to be there for you however needed and I’d be honored to help if desired.
Melinda
Thank you, Dear Julie, for sharing honestly!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!
Prayers for God to give you his comfort and peace🙏🏻
Preach it Sister! Thank you for that powerful message and prayer. I have often found myself envious of those who seem to have it easier than I. Love to you.