“The two hardest things to say in life is hello for the first time and goodbye for the last.” – Moira Rogers

I remember in my grief recovery group the counselor stating “Grief is hard enough to overcome, but when you add in regrets it makes it complicated. Complicated grief is even harder to overcome, because it’s well . . . . complicated!”

Complicated means consisting of many interconnecting parts, or elements; intricate. I define it as the difference between mourning what was, what is, and what could have been. When my husband died after being in love with him since I was in 8th grade, I mourned HARD!! I couldn’t eat (I lost 30+ pounds), I couldn’t think (I used to be an avid reader, but couldn’t retain anything I read), my health took a decline (I developed debilitating Psoriatic Arthritis, Tuberculosis, and Shingles all in one year!), I had no desire to work the successful business I worked so hard to build (I lost thousands of dollars a year in income, and eventually due to my declined health, and lack of desire I retired 8 years early). Those are just a few of the many unexpected complications of grief that no one tells you about. Complications of grief however, are not the same as experiencing “Complicated Grief”.

Just because you have been to the funeral, mailed a card, sent flowers, brought a meal, called to check on us from time to time (all great things to show your love), your world moved on, but ours did not! Our nightmare just began after the funeral. We woke up to a brand new life we didn’t want, didn’t sign up for, and couldn’t even imagine having to live out day to day. All around us are people expecting now that the funeral is over we should be getting better in a few weeks, months, or at the most a year. However, grief has no rules, it doesn’t follow a set formula, and it has no time limits. There is not one area of my life (Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually, Relationally, Financially, Professionally, etc.) that hasn’t been affected by grief! I would dare say that as advanced as we think we are in today’s society, the majority of people are living in the dark ages about grief. How could something so powerful as to affect every area of a person’s life thought to be “gotten over, and moved on” within a year, 5 years, or a lifetime? Don’t let what society does not know, or won’t deal with dictate your journey, or your timeline of grief. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, or can’t “move forward” with living. After all, you didn’t die. You may wish you did, but you didn’t, and you “have” to learn to live again. However that being said, you must “allow” yourself to move slowly, chaotically, irrationally, and pitifully for as long as it takes to find yourself (a new version, but still you) again.

The grief I experienced was “normal, uncomplicated” grief! Meaning, I didn’t look back with regret of: “If I hadn’t said this, or done that, then maybe we would have had a better relationship, or I shouldn’t have said those things, or felt those feelings, or we should have taken more time to do things, be together, said “I love you”, etc. Regrets complicate grief, because they’re attached to feelings of not only sadness of losing our “Loved One”, but the guilt we feel of what we did, or didn’t do. The guilt progresses into feelings of shame of who we are, because of what we did, or didn’t do. The regrets + the guilt + the shame add up to an intense anger seething under the surface of our life. That anger is directed at everyone, everything, and yet nothing, except the deep, aching sorrow we cannot cure ourselves from. The person we have attached to our feelings of guilt, shame, and anger has died; therefore, there is NO WAY to reconcile, and resolve our emotional state. I may know I need help, but feel helpless to do anything about it. Helplessness will lead to hopelessness if we don’t know where to turn. This is why there is no simple formula of “how” to move forward through grief. It is also why we live in a society of people who don’t know how to respond appropriately to your grief, because they haven’t even recognized, or dealt with their own. The key to our hope, our healing, our “moving through the pain, sorrow, and complexity of grief” lies not in what we do, but in who we turn too.

ALL of this is why God says in His Word “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” ~ Psalm 34:18 He knows how hard you’ve tried to help yourself. He knows how your heart aches, how tired and angry you are at yourself, and others. He is so close to your broken heart right now, that all you need to do is to whisper His name “Jesus save me”, and He will!

It is okay to feel the pain of death. Jesus cried when His friend Lazarus died (John 11:33-35). Not because Lazarus was dead, because Jesus knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead (just like He will our “Loved Ones”). He cried because of the pain, and grief Lazarus’ death caused those He loved (just like you and I). Listen to the hope Jesus gives us in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 “Brothers and sisters, we want you to know what happens to those who die. We don’t want you to mourn, as other people do. They mourn because they don’t have any hope. ¹⁴ We believe that Jesus died and rose again. When he returns, many who believe in him will have died already. We believe that God will bring them back with Jesus. ¹⁵ This agrees with what the Lord has said. When the Lord comes, many of us will still be alive. We tell you that we will certainly not go up before those who have died. ¹⁶ The Lord himself will come down from heaven. We will hear a loud command. We will hear the voice of the leader of the angels. We will hear a blast from God’s trumpet. Many who believe in Christ will have died already. They will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them. We will be taken up in the clouds. We will meet the Lord in the air. And we will be with him forever. ¹⁸ So encourage one another with these words of comfort.”

No one, and nothing can take the pain you feel from the death of your “Loved One” away this side of Heaven. This is why Jesus wept! The sting of death was never God’s idea, but our choice when we sinned. BUT . . . Be encouraged today, because Jesus conquered death; therefore, DEATH IS NOT FINAL FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN JESUS! We will not only see our loved ones again, but live, laugh, love, work, play, and worship Christ with them for eternity in Heaven! Thank You Heavenly Father for the hope we have in You!