I remember seeing a commercial on TV that advertised a drug that would help ease the effects of COPD.  It showed an animated person with an elephant sitting on top of their chest.  As they went throughout their day, the elephant was always chained to them wherever they went.  The commercial promised that this “miracle drug” would open up the airways of the sufferer so they could breathe easy again.  After sharing all of the benefits of this “miracle drug”, it shows the person taking a deep breath, and the elephant walks away never to be seen again.  Then, lists ALL the side-effects you “could” have IF you chose to take this “miracle drug” in hopes of breathing easier.

I never thought much about the commercial until the last 8 months of going to bed, waking up, and walking around with what feels like an invisible elephant on my chest!  Before Joe’s death, I could never have imagined the weight of living with Deep Grief!  Many days I wished there was a “miracle drug” to FIX me!  I wanted my old life, I wanted the old me, and I wanted to “feel” Alive again!  I had done my due diligence, gone to Grief Counseling, read books, attended groups for grieving spouses, and fervently cried out to the Lord to take the pain away, and help me to “Get Over the Grief”.

If Grief has taught me anything it’s. . a Crazy, Lonely, road you HAVE to travel one day at a time.   There are detours, wrecks, delays, and pot-holes along the way.  Some of the scenery may look familiar, but the Traveler is different, and the destination is unclear.  Unless you have personally experienced Deep Grief  (the kind  that absolutely shatters your world, and everything you hoped or dreamed), you wouldn’t understand there is NO “Getting over it”,  just “moving through it” as best you can!

One night after a particularly exhausting week of detours, wrecks, delays, and pot-holes, I sat on my porch swing crying out to the Lord .  I said “Father, I don’t want to live like this”.  The crushing weight of Grief, the constant ache of loneliness, the forever knot in my stomach had worn down my resolve to carry on.  But . . . through my sobs I said “I gave my life to you long ago, so it is not mine to end – -please help me to find joy again!”

A guest Pastor speaking at our church said he used to wrestle.  He showed a photo of a large man on top of another smaller man pinned to the ground.  He said the smaller man on bottom is me!  Then he said “WHEN YOU ARE PINNED DOWN BY THE WEIGHT OF THIS WORLD, AND IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO OVERCOME, YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.  YOU CAN EITHER TAP OUT (give up, quit) OR YOU CAN WAIT IT OUT!  (surrender to the process) EVENTUALLY THE BUZZER WILL SOUND,  THAT ROUND WILL BE OVER, AND THE WEIGHT WILL BE LIFTED AND YOU CAN START AGAIN!

A couple of days later when I awoke, I instantly noticed something missing.  The invisible elephant that I have lived with for 8 months was gone!  I felt like I could truly breathe for the first time in a long time, and the knot in my stomach wasn’t there either.  No!  It wasn’t some “Miracle Drug” but the Miracle of GOD’S AMAZING GRACE!  The buzzer had sounded, THAT round was over, and the weight had been lifted!

I had wanted to “tap out”, but instead I surrendered my life, my will, and my wants to the ONE who gave me my life.  It doesn’t mean I’m not sad, that I don’t still cry, or that I’m not still lonely.  It means  ⁷ “that in the ages to come He (God) might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.  ⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,  ⁹not of works, lest anyone should boast.  ¹⁰ For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:7-10

I am learning how to find joy again in the journey!  It is Not the Journey I would have chosen, but as His Word said above – “He has prepared “good works” (that were designed uniquely with me in mind when He created me), for me to do” !  I may not Understand why things had to happen this way, but I know when I Trust You ~ I don’t Need to Understand!  And, I’m learning to walk in them. (ok, maybe crawl is more like it) Yes!  I am like a toddler learning to walk all over again!  I have a new life!!  I will NEVER be the same, but by God’s Amazing Grace, I’m learning to find joy in the journey at least for Today. . .And that’s enough!

Forgive me Father when my vision becomes so cloudy that I cannot see beyond the weight of my circumstances.  Nothing takes You by Surprise Father . . .all the days of my life were planned before I had even lived one of them ~ Psalm 139.  Thank You for Loving me Extravagantly, and Lavishing me with Your “Miracle Drug” (the only one that can truly cure a broken heart) ~ YOUR AMAZING GRACE!