You can’t reason with grief, and you can’t control those you’re trying to console! People need to express their pain in order to heal.  Part of that expression may involve kicking, screaming, cursing, and crying! I love how God’s Word said in Job 1:22 “In ALL this, (Job’s cursing the day he was born, crying out to God, questioning God, etc.), Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” Job’s friends however, were appalled at Job’s behavior!  For example, his wife said “Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!”. His friends all tried to get him to quit acting the victim, and admit he had made God mad, and caused all these calamities to happen. Who does this?! Unfortunately well meaning people do it all the time.

If you have ever witnessed someone displaying what you think of as appalling, or unreasonable behavior, you know it can be difficult to watch.  You want to stop them, reason with them, or at least wrap your arms around them (like a parent trying to subdue their toddler throwing a tantrum) until they come back to their senses.  The most common problem in a grief situation is not the behavior of the bereaved, but the response of their friend’s to their grief stricken behavior! We think they are acting “unreasonable”, and they are! As a matter of scientific fact, it’s normal for a grieving person to act “Out of their mind with grief!”. 

Grief experts have determined when someone experiences a traumatic loss, the chemical balance in the brain is altered, and it defaults into “survival mode”, such as “fight or flight”, or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  This is why grief experts warn to avoid making important decisions after the loss of a loved one, because you’re not thinking in your right mind. Grief affects the brain, and the body in many different ways. Grief can cause changes in memory, behavior, sleep, and body function.  It affects the immune system as well as the heart. It can also lead to cognitive effects, such as brain fog. The brain’s goal? Survival!   When a person is experiencing deep grief all they’re thinking about is the pain they’re in, and making it stop.  I remember after Joe’s death I was in the middle of a renovation on my home. Instead of sitting in a corner crying I decided to do a major renovation on my home.  Rational?  Probably not, but it made perfect sense at the time.   I was using a 100 pound jackhammer to bust up tile on my floor when the contractor tried to stop me.  He said you’ve got to stop before you hurt yourself; to which I replied “When my body hurts worse than my heart I will quit, but until then leave me alone.” Looking back, I can see I was acting unreasonable, but at the time I would have done anything to take my mind off the pain I was in. None of us want our friends to hurt, but when they’re experiencing more pain than they could have even imagined, they’re entitled to act what you might consider unreasonable, and appalling. Therefore; when you try to “reason with”, “calm down”, or “talk sense into” your friend who is just outwardly expressing their grief, you just let them know you are NOT a “safe place” for them to heal! If you can’t be comfortable with my discomfort you probably just need to leave, because many times someone in the pit of despair doesn’t want to be consoled, we want what has been taken away from us returned!  Genesis 37:34-35…All his (Jacob’s) sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted.   We want your presence, we want your love, we just don’t want your judgement. If you truly want to help someone in the throws of grief wether it be 1 day, 1 year, or 5 years after their loss; be that “Nothing you say or do will shock me, make me think less of you, I love you, and I’m here for you.” kind of friend!

Grief is the necessary process of healing. It is never convenient, it’s not easy to watch, it is not polite to those in its wake, and it is not controllable by observers, or the one experiencing it. I believe God gives us the best prescription to help our loved ones who are “sick with grief” heal. Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Just stay close! Send a card, make a call, give a hug, talk about their “Loved One”, listen, bring a meal, say a prayer, hold our hand, and repeat often. I cannot tell you the times I was comforted by receiving a card exactly when I needed it, or an unexpected call, or even a kind word from a stranger. God uses the imperfect, and broken to help make His presence known, and the broken whole again.

Heavenly Father thank You for staying close to the brokenhearted, and for loving us through the hands, and feet of imperfect people. May we always offer ALL we have (as imperfect as it is) to be used by Your perfect hands to help those in need!