We live in a society that prides itself on being so advanced, and yet is embarrassingly still in the dark ages, when it comes to grief!

I made a commitment for the new year to read through the Bible chronologically, and I just finished the book of Job.  If you’re not familiar with Job, then here’s a very quick overview.  Job is a very wealthy, respected, God-fearing man.  Satan tells God the only reason Job serves, worships, and honors Him is because God had blessed Job’s life.  He says to God, if you take away all the blessings, Job will curse you.  God allows satan to test Job in every way you can imagine.  Job’s entire family is killed, he loses his wealth, his health, and to add insult to injury, he loses all respect from everyone he knows.  Job’s closest friends come to console him, but then they speak. They feel the need to reason, instruct, and impart wisdom to their grieving friend, because clearly his grief has gotten out of hand! 

Over the next few weeks I will be making some suggestions on how to avoid adding “insult to injury”, and how to help in the healing of a grieving friend:

TIP 1: KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!  People don’t need your words, they need your presence! Job’s friends came to sympathize, and comfort. They wept aloud, they tore their robes, and they sprinkled dust on their heads. Job 2:13 “Then they sat on the ground with him for 7 days and 7 nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”  Many times people don’t call, come, or check on their grieving friends, because they don’t know what to say. I get it! It’s awkward, it’s hard to know what to say to help. The truth is, there isn’t anything you can say, except “I’m so sorry”, “I love you!”, or even “I don’t know what to say, but I wanted you to know I’m here!” Just showing up, says it all! I’m sure Job’s friends sitting with him for 7 days were a huge comfort to him. That is, until they opened their mouth!

I cannot tell you the compounded hurt people add to a grieving person’s pain by their well-meaning, but ignorant words.  When you say things like “I know how you feel….” You make someone else’s pain about you, and you cannot help another person heal when the focus is on you. You do NOT KNOW how someone else feels.  You may share similar circumstances, but you don’t know someone else’s hurt. When you say things like: “At least they’re in a better place.”, or “At least you had time to prepare for their death.”, or “At least you know you will see them again in Heaven.”, it doesn’t ease the pain of a broken heart it adds to it.  Read 1Corinthians 15:51-55  There’re 2 very significant words in the text that make all the difference, and those words are “WHEN”, and “THEN”.  WHEN the last trumpet sounds, and Jesus returns, the dead in Christ will rise. (meaning those that had accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior before they died will rise up and come back to life with Christ)  THEN what is written will come true:  Death has been swallowed up in victory.  “Where, O death, is your victory?  Where, O death, is your sting?” BUT . . . Until When and Then happen. . . . DEATH STINGS!  So, don’t take a scripture out of context, and slap it like a “spiritual bandaid” onto a grieving friend’s broken heart. One of the greatest verses that brought me comfort was John 11:35 “Jesus wept”. It shows me that I trust, serve, and worship a God who can relate to me in every way. . . even grief! Why would Jesus weep if He knew His Father would raise Lazarus from the dead? It says “When Jesus saw her (Lazarus’ sister) weeping, and the Jews that were with her weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit, and troubled.” Sympathy is being sorry for someone else’s grief. Compassion is actually feeling, sharing, and carrying the weight of someone else’s grief. Jesus wept, because he felt Mary, and Martha’s heartache. This is why you can find comfort in Psalm 34:18 “God is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Jesus didn’t come to his brokenhearted friends preaching, he came weeping! In times of grief, there is more comfort in a friend who comes weeping than preaching.

The greatest comfort I received after Joe’s death was the simple presence of loving friends.  There were no words of comfort they could offer, and they were wise enough to know it.  They simply came, sat, cried, hugged, and grieved with me as they Loved me in the ashes.  People in grief don’t need to be fixed, they simply need to be loved!  

Thank You Jesus You not only hear my cries, but stay close enough to me You feel them. I long for the day when death’s sting is no more!