“Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.”  ~ Miguel de Unamuno

I’m not one to go to the doctor very often.  As a matter of fact, I HATE going to the doctor! All I can think about is how much it’s costing me, especially when they tell me something like “This is just a virus and you need to get plenty of fluids and rest, and you’ll feel better in about a week.”  What the What???  I just paid for you to tell me there is Nothing you can do to “Fix Me”?  More than just the cost of going to the doctor, is the Waiting on them when you get there.  You pay to go see them, because you want to get well.  Then, you sign in and wait. (this is where I scrounge through the Magazines to read)  You finally hear your name be called only to be weighed (the ultimate insult), have your temperature and blood pressure taken, and then led into a room where you have to undress, sit on a paper sheet with a paper blanket, and told to wait some more.  Just what are you supposed to do sitting there feeling sick, exposed, just waiting?

This past weekend it was one year since my world as I knew it came to an end with the death of the “Love of My Life”!  In the beginning it was a blur. Decisions had to be made, papers had to be signed, a funeral had to be planned, and I had no concept of time, people, or conversations.  It was like I had undergone a major surgery where an amputation had been performed.  I knew part of me was missing, that things would never be the same, but I was still under the “Anesthesia of Grief”. I didn’t realize how much pain I would be in when it wore off.

Fortunately in my lifetime I have only had a couple of major surgeries.  Each time, I can remember first coming out from under the effects of the anesthesia.  I was disoriented with no concept of time, people, or conversations.  I knew something had happened, and though I felt some pain, I had no idea just how much pain I would truly be in until the anesthesia wore off.  The same is true in life!  After a catastrophic loss, it is as if God in His mercy puts us under an Anesthesia of His Grace to protect our hearts from the full weight of pain, which is to come.  In His loving kindness He sends Angels of Mercy with food, gifts, encouragement, and love to Nurse you through the initial shock of the loss.  The problem is you think you are better, they think you’re better, and for awhile it is.  Until little by little, each day the pain intensifies, and the Nurses have gone home, and you are alone in yours.

You’re sick of the pain of grief, you wonder ‘Why don’t I feel better after this long?’, and others wonder the same thing.   Many come along with their personal remedies, and ideas of what you need to do, take, think in order to get well, or “get on” with your life. Others are quick to judge what you are doing to try to ease some of the pain, telling you “It’s too much, or not enough, or too soon”, and the list goes on.  However, I find my biggest problem is I’ve made many appointments with God, and I still don’t feel better???  I Know He can “Fix Me”, I Know His Promises of Healing, Peace and Joy.  Since He is the God of the Universe, why would He leave me here feeling sick and exposed, just waiting?

After God delivered the Israelites from slavery in Egypt, then miraculously delivered them across the Red Sea, he took them the long way (40 years of wandering in the desert) to the Promised Land.  In Joshua 3 the story picks back up when the Israelites are finally within view of the Promised Land.  The only thing between them, and their long awaited destination is the Jordan River.  Joshua, who took Moses’ place to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land gives them God’s orders verses 3-4 “When you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it.  Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before”. The only problem is, the Jordan River was at flood stage, and anyone who would have stepped in would have surely met their death.  You have a million people standing there looking at a raging river, and I’m sure many were thinking why would God have brought us to this point only to let us die.  But the passage continues in vs. 15-16.  “Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing.  It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam”.  Did you catch it?

God did not stop the water right where the people were standing.  The Israelites did not see God at work with their own eyes.  No!  The water “piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam”.  It was a miracle, but it was a miracle the people didn’t witness with their own eyes.  God performed the miracle upstream, out of their sight.  I believe the same situation occurs in our lives today.  Here’s the powerful truth the Israelites learned that day:  GOD IS ALWAYS AT WORK UPSTREAM IN OUR LIVES. Where’s God?  Whenever we face a problem in our lives – Sickness, job loss, depression, tragedy, or discouragement – God is at work upstream in those situations, beyond our line of sight.  The only thing the Israelites could see was the problem right in front of them.  They could have concluded that since that raging river was there, God wasn’t actively involved in their situation, but they would have been wrong. He was there; they just couldn’t see him at work. (Brian Jones in ‘Second Guessing God)

Sitting in the Waiting Room of Grief feeling sick, exposed, just waiting . . . I walked over to a shelf in my kitchen, and opened up a book I had never read that was just sitting there waiting for me at the right time, and read those words.  “God is always at work upstream in our lives”. It was God’s prescription for me today!  His way of encouraging me “I see your pain Julie.  I know you can’t see how I am working things for your good, because you only see the problem in front of you.  I could just “fix you”, but then you would miss out on the Blessings of what I’m doing in you, and around you for MY GLORY and your good!  Besides you don’t need to “be fixed”, you are exactly where you need to be at this moment.  Lean on me, I will give you the strength to hold on, until My plan and purpose unfolds.  But for now, just Trust that I am working upstream on your behalf.”

Thank You Father for the reminder YOU are worth waiting for!

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind can conceive the plans God has for those who love him.”  1Corinthians 2:9