“The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again but you will never be the same.  Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ~ Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler

I admit that I have never been known to be a patient person.  I’m Type “A” all the way!  The truth is you want me by your side when you’re in need, because I don’t dilly dally around.  Nope!  I’m your 911 girl.  I will fix the situation, get someone to fix the situation, or die trying.  While others are still debating what to do, I’ve gone in and fixed it, and left already!  That ‘Leap before you Look’ wiring has gotten me into some trouble over the years I admit. Joe used to say I was his hit of speed, and he was my valium!  However, being able to make quick decisions, and then “Act” on those decisions without second-guessing myself have not only caused me to survive, but thrive.  UNTIL . . . THIS!

Losing your Spouse, the other half of you, your best friend, and confidant is like losing your compass in the middle of the desert.  Your surroundings all look the same “daunting”!  You know you must at least move if you want to survive, but you have no idea which direction to go in.  As a matter of fact, I don’t even know where I’m trying to get to!  I just know I want the pain to go away, but therein lies the problem.  North, South, East, or West the pain remains as I’m moving (probably in circles), but not ‘moving on’.

Exodus 13:17-18 17 Then it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near; for God said, “Lest perhaps the people change their minds when they see war, and return to Egypt.” 18 So God led the people around by way of the wilderness of the Red Sea. And the children of Israel went up in orderly ranks out of the land of Egypt.

God KNOWS me better than I know myself.  If I could wrangle a 5 year plan out of Him, I would be off and running without His guidance!  Oh how I Love to check off my “To Do” list!  When I read the scripture above, I saw that God is not concerned about how long it takes for me to GET SOMEWHERE, because getting there is NOT the point!  He is more concerned “HOW” I get there, and learning to rely on Him for my every step.  On my daily walk to the beach, I came across this sea turtle who had lost his way.  He was heading the opposite direction of the water, he turned to move to the grass, then turned again and decided no he would keep going down the sidewalk.  I guess, because the sidewalk looked easier to travel even though it was in the complete wrong direction of where he needed to get to.  I laughed out loud, because I was praying while I walked “Father show me what to do next!”.  The turtle reminded me of my journey right now.  I take a step, then look around and my friends are dating ~ that looks scary.  I take another step, then look around and my friends are finding new ventures ~ that looks scary.  I think ‘Oh, I will just go back and do what I’ve always done’ ~ and that looks impossible.  So, I just keep moving forward even if I may be going in the complete opposite direction of where I’m trying to get to.  Thank You Lord for the visual of what I look like on this journey, but seriously I need a little direction here!

When God freed His Children from captivity in Egypt, which is what they had prayed for, He Knew though they weren’t physically still in captivity, their minds were.  Though He had gotten them out of Egypt, He had to make sure to get “Egypt” out of them!  You can’t be Free, and still think like someone who is held captive.  For the first time in 400 years, they were on their own.  They could choose their own career, possess their own land, make their own money, build their own homes, and find their own way . . . And THAT is SCARY!  God Knew that many people would rather return to what they hate, rather than face the fear of the unknown.  And so it is with me!  I have, and will take many steps on this journey that seem scary with no idea where I’m headed. I may start to take a step, and then completely turn around.  I may try to take the road that seems easier, rather than the road headed in the right direction. I may get so scared with all of my options that I revert to my own shell!  BUT . . .With each step I take, I become less a slave to fear, and Free to become who God intends me to be!  I may not know what I’m doing, or where I’m going, but I do know this.  I don’t want to use anything or anyone to lessen my pain, or fill the void in my life except Jesus living IN me!

So, for all my friends on this journey of Grief, don’t be in a rush.  Take your time, explore your options, and TRUST God’s Got You!  Even if your journey looks like this confused turtle, eventually you’ll find where He wants you to be.

Father, thank You for the funny, but oh so true visual of my journey today.  I’ve begged and pleaded for Your direction in my life.  But . . . You Know there are things I need to let go of, be freed from, and trust You on, before you can lead me to where You want me to be.  Help me to not be in a rush.  Help me to rely on You for Each step, not just the direction.  Ease my pain, and fill the huge void of loneliness with Your Love for me.  I’m so glad You have a sense of humor about my constant demands for “What’s Next?”.