When I was just 17 years old, I had to have a spinal fusion. They took a bone out of my hip, and fused it into my spine, because I was missing a lumbar. I didn’t know I was missing a lumbar, but I was having constant headaches, and backaches. When they took an x-ray they discovered it was just something I was born without, and if I didn’t have surgery it would cause many problems for my future, like more pain, and not being able to carry a child during pregnancy. The surgery went fine, but the pain was excruciating; Much worse than the pain of the previous headaches and backaches! The rehabilitation was even worse! Being placed in traction, having to be flipped every 4 hours, not being able to ride in a car for weeks, to name just a few. I have a nice long scar down my back that reminds me of that surgery, and the pain I endured so long ago. Since that time I was able to carry, and birth 3 kids Naturally (because when you’ve experienced that much pain, child birth seems like a breeze). The scar doesn’t hurt nor does my back, but I am much more sensitive to back pain than I was prior to having the surgery.
When Joe was first diagnosed with MSA (Multiple-System-Atrophy a terminal illness), I remember the worry, anger, fear, and pain I felt every day. Though it was bad, I woke up every day thinking we would find a cure, maybe the doctors were wrong, or God would heal him, and the hope eased the pain temporarily. On November 9th as I held his hand, and all hope had slipped away as I watched him take his last breath – – the worry, anger, fear, and pain I have felt every day has been excruciating! Every time I go to bed at night, I feel the pain of an empty space beside me. Every time I ride in the car and hear a song we loved, or reach over to take his hand that isn’t there, I feel the pain of loneliness. When I think if I just live to be 80, that would be 25 years of being alone, I feel the pain of panic. Every time I wake up, I feel the pain of another day of just trying to cope without him. Grief reminds me of my Rehab after my surgery! It’s harder, and more painful than the actual death! BUT . . . I am trusting that one day, the actual wound will Heal, and I will be left with just the scar.
God says that He doesn’t look at the outward appearance of a man, but sees the heart. 1Samual 16:7 “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I didn’t know that I was insensitive to other’s grief, but the pain I feel now, will forever make me more sensitive to others going through the same thing. I didn’t know that I had a “Name it Claim it” view of God’s Promises, but now I know that God doesn’t always Answer His Promises the way we think He should, no matter how much we Name or Claim His Word. But. . . He is Sovereign, Holy, and working for My Good anyway, and deserves my praise! I didn’t know that I had major, trust issues until the most treasured, trusted relationship I had here on this Earth was ripped away from me. Now, I am learning each day, each hour, that I can trust Jesus to be ENOUGH!
I always wondered why after Jesus rose from the dead, he still bore the scars from his death. God was powerful enough to raise Him from the dead, so why would he leave the scars? It wasn’t until Joe’s death, that I understood the doubt of Thomas.
John 20:24-28 says 24 Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. 25 The other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he replied, “Unless I see the wounds from the nails in his hands, and put my finger into the wounds from the nails, and put my hand into his side, I will never believe it!” 26 Eight days later the disciples were again together in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and examine my hands. Extend your hand and put it into my side. Do not continue in your unbelief, but believe.” 28 Thomas replied to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Thomas has always been given a bad wrap, but now that Joe died, I get it!! I believe that Jesus is the Only son of God, died on the cross for atonement of my sins, and rose from the dead on the 3rd day. I believe that He has the power to heal the sick, and raise the dead! BUT. . . DID I BELIEVE I COULD TRUST HIM WITH MY DEEPEST PAIN, WHEN HE CHOSE NOT TO HEAL JOE THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN? COULD I TRUST HIM WITH THE PAIN OF MY CRUSHED DREAMS, WHEN I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE COULDN’T CONTINUE SERVING HIM HERE ON EARTH TOGETHER? And then . . . through my tears, I could “SEE” Thomas put his finger in Jesus’ scars and say “MY LORD AND MY GOD!” Thomas knew that Jesus’ scars were Proof He understands our pain, He feels our pain, because He experienced our pain! ALL of it and More than we could even imagine!! The fear to the point of sweating blood. The Deep Grief of a Loved One’s death. The agony of being tortured to death. The loneliness of having His own Father turn His face away while He hung on a cross.
I BELIEVE THAT JESUS KEPT HIS SCARS AS A REMINDER TO US: THE BROKEN-HEARTED, THE DOUBTFUL, THE LONELY, THE FORGOTTEN, THAT HE UNDERSTANDS OUR PAIN, AND TO SHOW US THE SCARS MAY REMAIN, BUT THE HEALING WILL COME!
Heavenly Father, forgive me when I doubt that You can be trusted. My wound is so fresh, so painful, it clouds my judgement. I cannot look too far down this road of life! I must take the next step, as scary and as painful as it might seem. You’ve promised that You are lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path – – not a telescope so that I may gaze at what is to come, and try to figure out what I need to do. You know what I need, even when all I feel is pain! You know there is a Purpose even in the Pain! Whatever may come Father- – You are already there waiting for me. You know the beginning from the end. One day You will turn my wound into a scar to let others See that I understand their pain, and prove there is Healing in this Journey. Help me to always point to You, and let them know that You can be Trusted in ALL things!
Julie, I can’t imagine what you are going through. However, I am amazed everytime you share those moments of loss grief, and, despair. I am SOOOO glad you have the Lord to carry you through your devastation. You are AMAZING and I will continually pray for God to always cover you with a healing dose of grace and mercy during your lowest times.
YOU.ARE.A.FIGHTER.
I love you Julie.
❤
Yes Fionna – The God of the Universe is definitely holding me up right now! Thank you so much for your encouraging words, and feel free to pass the link to this blog onto anyone that you feel would find comfort from it. Hugs!
Love your raw honesty. May God give you a peace that passeth all understanding!
Thank you Donna – – my prayer all along has been Lord let them see Your Faithfulness even when I am a poor reflection of it. I know He holds me in His mighty arms when I am at my weakest. Feel free to pass this blog onto anyone you feel could find comfort from it. Hugs!
Thank you Julie for sharing your journey of grief. You have helped a part of my heart heal by being obedient to God’s continued calling on your life.
Oh Mary I am so honored that anything I have said has helped your heart to heal. My prayer all along is – Lord let them see your Faithfulness, even when I’m not a very good reflection of it. It sucks to be in this much pain, but it has made me much more sensitive to the pain of others going through it. Prayers that you can feel the God of this Universe hold you in His mighty arms at your weakest moments.
Well said Julie Weaver! I hope The Lord continues to bless this ministry/blog.
Thank you sweet friend, I have thought many times about stopping, but I promised Joe I would not make any major decisions for at least two years. He is the one that encouraged (ok prodded) me to start it, so I continue – praying someone, anyone would find some comfort in knowing “it is ok, not to be ok”. Please feel free to pass it on to anyone you feel could gain anything from it. Hugs and pray you are well!
Julie, beautifully said. When there is loss of a loved one the pain is indescribable. Time and faith are two things that help heal the pain. It never completely goes away but gets a little easier with time. Hugs.
Yes, Denise I am counting on that. My relationship with Jesus is the Only thing that is getting me through this each day. I know eventually the wound will scab, then scar. I will always be much more sensitive to others pain of Grief. Hugs
You describe in vivid detail one of my worst fears. My heart breaks when you talk about teaching for Joe and he’s not there. You have an incredible gift to describe your journey and give us a glimpse of the pain. I know beyond a doubt the insight you are offering is helping many. I cannot imagine! I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and pray for peace and comfort. ❤️
Yes, Debbie – – I too pray that you will Never have to experience losing your Best Friend. My kids, and grandkids, as yours are wonderful, but they too have their own lives. It is so lonely to not have a “safe” haven to come home to every night. Thanks for reaching out – – I wish there were something you or anyone could do for me, but just knowing that you care is comforting. Joe encouraged me to start this Blog – – any many times I have thought to stop it. But my prayer has been and continues to be that someone, anyone would find comfort in Jesus through their pain, because my relationship with Him is the only thing that is getting me through right now. Love you! Maybe we could do lunch sometime – – you always make me laugh and that is good medicine!
Hey Julie,
When my husband and I were first married we were separated 3 different times!! The 1st time was the longest. We were separated for 3 months and my husband never called me or came to see me during that entire time. I lost so much weight I got into a size 6 jeans and I’m normally a 10. I was devastated I couldn’t eat or sleep!!! The reason we got separated was because he has a condition where he shut down all his emotions. In 35 years of marriage he has only told me he loves me the amount I can count on 1 hand. He’s German and was raised by a German mom who never expressed emotion. When his handicapped sister died when he was 14 he shut all his emotions down.
It has been very hard to live with but one day I was reading a book by Wayne Dyer that said you need to decide whether you can stay married to this man once and for all (with men that shut down their emotions their wives will go back and forth wanting to divorce them) Make one final decision can you or can’t you live with it? And then go with that decision. I decided I could live with it. It hasn’t been easy it’s like being married to a man in a wheelchair. His nerve has been cut. My needs may not all be met emotionally, but God has used it to draw me closer to Him.
Believe me I know the Deep pain that causes you to go into a state of seemingly unbearable pain. It comes in waves sometimes it’s bearable and sometimes it’s just not! I will never forget the depth of my grief of feeling that after less than a year my marriage was over! God has healed my scar…but the ache still remains because my emotional needs are still not met, but I have been promised that my marriage will flourish. I’m waiting for that day even after 35 years(I still believe that day is coming) but until then God’s timing is always perfect.
God bless you Julie!!! Just 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time, 1 minute at a time! I’m praying for you.
XO Beth Jung
Dearest Beth, I can only imagine what life would be like not having a deep love that is life sustaining with your partner. I was so blessed to have an amazing marriage where I was deeply loved, but with that deep love has come even deeper pain in the parting. I will stand with you Beth in believing for your Promise of a Flourishing Marriage. I also pray that you literally FEEL God holding you in His arms, as the beloved, cherished, daughter He adores!
Thank you for sharing Julie. After a very unhappy 19 year marriage, 9 years divorced and a breakup from a 6 year relationship while raising my 17 year old son, I am giving it up to God and learning to increase my trust in Him daily.
Oh Sharon, I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. It is so hard sometimes to give it up, as we all like to think we know best! LOL. I have to practice giving it up sometimes hourly, because I keep trying to take it back. I pray you will sink deep into God’s Love, His Word, and allow Him to hold you when you are feeling most vulnerable and sad. He is Faithful, when life sucks the life out of you! Hugs!
Thank you Julie. Your messages through the years have always inspired me. We’ve only met once but your words of wisdom have echoed for me many times….and now through your pain, you still inspire many that travel that road as well. Blessings dear Child of God! ~ Brenda
Thank you so much Brenda – my prayer has been all along that this Blog (which Joe convinced me to do) will inspire others in their pain. God didn’t cause it, but He allowed it, and if He allowed it, He will use it for my good and His glory! Pass on the blog to anyone you feel it would minister too. Thanks so much for your kind, and encouraging words.
Amen. So sorry for your pain, my friend, but continuing to trust He has a purpose and meaning for all things and believing he has plans to prosper and not to harm us, even when we can’t see or understand. Continued prayers.
Xoxoxo
Melinda
Yes, friend, as you know all too well! I trust He does have a purpose, though He did not cause it, He allowed it, and if He allowed it – He will use it for His Glory and my Good. Just hurts like Hell right now! Hugs to you, and congrats on your marriage!
Julie Weaver I am so inspired by you and your journey. I hope the good and happy memories that you had here on this earth with Joe outweigh the sadness you have to endure in missing him. I can only imagine.
God Bless and keep you in his favor!
Thank you Connie. I told my Grief Counselor the other day, that I don’t want to forget Joe, but at the same time – I don’t want to remember him, because it brings so much pain. I was blessed to have had an amazing life with a man who was the love of my life, and many never get that. But, when you love that deeply – – you grieve even more deeply. Each day is a challenge, but trusting God is using the pain for His purpose. Hugs to you!
Your unwavering faith inspires me to open my Bible and learn more about the God that you so love. ❤️ Thank you for sharing your journey, in joy and pain, you inspire us all.
~Jackie
Oh Jackie so love to hear that, as church and religion has never saved anyone, but my relationship with Jesus has been my rock! My prayer in all of this has been that people would see His faithfulness in this tragedy, even when I’m not a very good reflection of it! Hugs to you!
Father God is carrying you as you cannot walk yourself right now! He is faithful even when we think He is not. I agree with you about having compassion and love for the hurting. Until
We hurt at this level we can never understand or comfort others. We comfort with the comfort that we have experienced We only can give from the place that we have experienced. I am
Praying for you ❤️
Thank you Kimberly, and yes, you are so right! I am and will always be much more sensitive to the pain of other’s grief.
Thank you Julie. Your words always strike a chord !
Thank you Jill, I know you personally know how hard this journey is. I think of you often, pray for you too!
My heart aches for the pain your going through-I cannot even imagine how hard this must be. Prayers for God to continue to show you a path to walk your journey out with him🙏🏻