We sit in a circle, none of us want to be there, yet we “must”, because the alternative is worse.  None of us know each other, yet we’re connected more intimately than most ever will be.  We are different ages, professions, and educational backgrounds. Yet, we ALL share something in common that few friends ever will. DEEP GRIEF OVER LOSING A SPOUSE!  We start each session by passing a “talking stick” where you state your name, when you lost your loved one, and something you want the group to know, or are struggling with at that time.  We do this not because we want to whine or wallow in our pain, but there is a certain comforting, connection just knowing someone else shares in the same struggles, pain, and frustration as you. There is No judgement, No one tries to fix you, they don’t rush to your side to hand you a tissue, and tell you: “it will all be ok in the end”, “this too shall pass”, “be thankful you had him/her for as long as you did”, “you will see your loved one again in Heaven” etc.  No!  They don’t say those things, because they know ” I don’t Need to be fixed, I NEED my spouse back!”  AND  They know that Pain must have an outlet in order to heal, or it will turn inward, and cause more problems!

When I shared with the group that I am struggling with being angry all the time, many heads nodded in agreement. Except one man, it was his first day at the group.  His wife had just died a few weeks earlier, (and not understanding the rule that whatever is said with the talking stick is not there to be judged, or debated, but to simply be accepted as another’s truth).  He said, “My wife and I are deeply spiritual, so maybe that is why I don’t feel any anger”.  That got me to thinking. . . WHY am I so mad?

I’m not mad at God!  I understand we live in a broken world, where death is a result of our sin nature, and was not the plan of our Loving God.  It’s not that I don’t know that Joe is healthy and whole in Paradise right now with our Savior, and as much as he loves me – – he would not want to leave there, nor would I want him to. It’s not that I don’t know that I will be with Jesus and Joe in Paradise one day.   It’s not that I’m mad at any one person or thing.  Well….What is it then???

I’m mad that the Love of my Life has been taken away from me.  I’m mad that every dream, and plan we had for our future was robbed.  I’m mad that my life as I knew, and loved is shattered in a million pieces.  I’m mad that everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of Joe, and the pain stabs my heart all over again.  I’m mad that I go to bed, and wake up lonely.  I’m mad that I have to pretend “I’m ok” every day.  I’m mad that there is no “EASY BUTTON”, and EVERYTHING (taxes, shopping, cooking, eating, paying bills, sleeping, working, etc.) in my life seems HARD! I’m mad, because I’m sick and tired of being sad, and in pain. “THAT” and a thousand other things I encounter every day is WHY I’m MAD!

Being Angry doesn’t mean I’m spiritually immature, not grieving well, wallowing or weak?  It means I am a Warrior battling for the life I love, and the injustice of what death temporarily stole from me!  Adrienne Rich says “There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep (and I would add “rant”), and still be counted as warriors”.  Every day after suffering the death of a Loved One is a Battle, and like it or not, You are a Warrior!  Your Battle? Making it through another day!

One of the synonyms for the word “bereave” is rob!  When you are robbed of something you dearly treasure, the natural response is Anger!   So, my fellow Warrior ~ keep your head up, and heed the Apostle Paul’s charge to Timothy.  1Timothy 6:11b-12 ¹¹ pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. ¹² Fight the good fight of the faith  (Paul knew living this life on earth and remaining in faith is a Battle!). Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

Father, thank You for reminding me in Your Word (Romans 8:19-24) that All of creation is groaning inwardly, because it is subject to the bondage of decay, and awaits longingly to the day our bodies will be redeemed in Paradise with You as you originally planned!  Help me to understand that my anger is really just “fear and sadness” turned inside out!  Guard my tongue when I want to lash out, to bring You Praise instead!  It’s ok that I feel anger, but help me not to give into sin by acting on it.  Death is Not Your plan Father, but keep reminding me that in the end. . . Death does Not win!